No words... just feelings

Lately, my mind has been preoccupied with the souls I've lost and the pain I feel because of it. It's a heart-wrenching pain, because I haven't gotten used to it yet. In fact, I think I never will, because I haven't found a way to redirect it to another soul.

In my previous losses, I had another soul to focus my attention and purpose on. Now, I'm the only one left and I can no longer use that subterfuge. I've been trying to redirect my attention and purpose to myself, which has worked partially to some extent. The problem is the purpose of my life... when I think about the richness I had with my family, how grateful I was, and what that meant to me, I don't know how to find a purpose that will make me feel useful again. I'm trying to take care of myself as best I can... improving every day.

Every day I pray for my family and ancestors, asking the Creator to give me light and wisdom to be a better person, a better human being... I no longer desire anything material in my life except that which brings me peace and tranquility... I don't know if I deserve to have anyone else by my side, because what I feel for my family is overwhelming. I don't know if I will be able to find another soul who sees me as I am and considers me a worthy person. I think this is a gift from the Creator and I don't know if it's in His plans.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by people who have always loved me, even with my imperfections and mistakes... I don't know if there will be another person. I am an ordinary person, without any outstanding physical attractiveness and disconnected from the values of the modern world. I believe in simplicity, truth and charity. I am not immediate and I care about people's suffering and I have a habit of helping when I can. I don't think I'm better than anyone and I don't aspire to be. Being useful to me is what defines me as a human being. Obviously, I'm no saint and I don't go around trying to help everyone haphazardly.

But, for those who are close to me, I always try to help and be a person who conveys positive feelings. It's not always easy and I don't always succeed. People are always on guard, which is normal in the times we live in. Everyone is suspicious, hopeless, and, in a way, afraid of the future. Reality truly frightens everyone who manages to fully perceive it.

For this reason and because I don't know the will of the creator, I try to prepare myself to be in the current alone or perhaps accompanied. Only time will tell. In this new learning process, I have had my difficulties, defeats, and victories. It's hard not to feel alone sometimes, despite all my efforts and the many people who surround me... wonderful people whom I feel are my angels of light. When family is the center of your life, losing them is an extremely devastating blow, because you have a love for them that transcends life itself, and we carry it with us wherever we go.

Let's return to the purpose... a soul without purpose is a boat without a destination. Purpose is the force that moves us to wake up each day, to get up and thank the rising sun... a new day... I haven't yet found the purpose of this new path... how I want to find it, because surely it will give me new light and strength to move forward towards the Creator's mission for me in this life. I know I have accomplished some difficult tasks and possibly others will come. But I pray every day that the Creator may give me a small piece of peace that every man seeks and few find.

I hope to feel, in the end, that I fought the good fight and was a person of value to myself. I wish I could have done more, but I did what I could... I wish I could have fought harder, but I fought as hard as I could... I wish I could have brought more happiness to those I love, but I gave what I could give. We are not always enough, but we should always be the best version of ourselves. I have always sought to live by these words and I still strive to be better each day.

Living is an art... the art of being who you are in a world that values what you can be or become... a world where life is worth less and arrogance and greed are worth more... where one is more important than everyone else, even if it means trampling over charity, dignity, and the common good. It's important to remember that we are not self-sufficient. At some point in life, we will need others and we will see that what matters is what we carry with us, not what we have.

I thank the Creator for my life. I thank Him for my family. I thank Him for what I have. I thank Him for the learning. I apologize for not fully understanding life, for not comprehending the human soul, for making mistakes with everyone and especially with those we love most. I am grateful for being a son, a father, a husband, a friend, a fallible human being with a great desire to always learn more.

To those who are always in my heart, thank you very much.